Higher Education Blows

Let’s add up the tab of my pursuit of “higher education,” shall we?

Tuition:
Paid for by loans, has got me well over halfway to six figures in debt. In return, I get a degree that qualifies me to, well, do this – blog. Or I could work at a coffee shop and snobbily reference incestuous academic journals while I pour foam onto lattes for people in suits. Awesomeness.

Lost wages:
I didn’t have the greatest job in the world when I moved out of New York City and re-entered academia. But it wasn’t the worst, either. I got to do a lot of really cool things (in return, of course, for selling my mortal soul). The thing was, my soul then was apparently worth more than it is now – perhaps because it was less used? Looking at my friends who were on the roughly the same level I was and where they are now (rolling on piles of money, surrounded by many naked admirers while sipping champagne in high-rise apartments), I wonder at times, if that could have been me. Not the nude guy in the corner. The one with all the cash.

Direction:
I had started a career path that people have killed for. Literally. I saw someone get stabbed at a NBC Page interview. It wasn’t pretty. Then again, the girl that did it was, so she got the job. Now, I’m coming out of 2 1/2 years of sales experience in what might be a dying industry. But I could tell you the corresponding cities for over 300 airport codes, so I’m a wicked good trivia partner.

Hip status:
If you tell people you live in NYC, you’re cool. If you tell people you’re squatting in an office building that’s 15 feet from train tracks, you’re not. Rent savings mean nothing.

Nerd potential:
Back when I had a “real job,” I didn’t have any time for web 2.0. I was on Facebook, but never checked it. MySpace was a thing of the future. There was no blogging, there was no Twittering, there was no Google Reader and there was no (gasp) iPhone. Now, well, I have all of those (minus the MySpace as you no doubt recall from my Super Tuesday post.). Wow. I should just start playing Dungeons and Dragons and get it over with. Who’s up for a game in Second Life? I’ll bring my virtual, 28-sided die.

Ugh. I don’t know why I’m whining. Sorry to vent this all on you. I think the reassessment of my life began today when I dropped by my grad school’s bookstore and found out that it’s going to cost me $60 to buy a friggin’ black robe for graduation. I already HAVE a black robe from my first time getting a diploma.

But NO – this is different. A Master’s robe has funny sleeves that look like something Gandalf would wear. That’s why you have to give up your May grocery money, Mike. Wizard sleeves! We in higher education feel you haven’t paid quite enough yet for another piece of paper with your name on it. Go visit another ATM and shell out some more, okay?

Oh, and we’re not framing your diploma, either. That costs extra.

(I’m wearing my old robe anyway.)