I HATE scary movies. Simply can't stand them. It's not because they're really scary (they're not), it's because my mind makes them more terrifying than any director ever could.
When I see a zombie ripping into someones skull and there's cracking noises and body fluids spewing, I can feel the plates separating in my head and taste the gooey salinity of my own gray matter. And let's not even talk about torture flicks that have crazed madmen doing things to a subject's eyes and/or fingernails... I lie awake a night afterward, knowing that as soon as I close my eyes, I'll see needles and pincers coming at me in the dark. Even worse, I can barely stand to have my manicurist do my nails after seeing something like that.
I don't have the intestinal fortitude to deal with those movies. Happily, I can avoid going to them. Most of my friends aren't into horror. Whenever one does want to go, I can make excuses like I haven't re-alphabetized my bookshelf or my grandma's dog needs a sponge bath. But no matter what excuse you can come up with for not seeing the movie, you can't escape the trailers.
Usually, they're easy enough to spot when you're in the theater. That deep, scratchy voice (like Keifer Sutherland's in slow-motion) comes on, the room gets dark, the bass swells, you hear panting noises and the girl on screen is suddenly, inexplicably half naked. Then, before you know it, all you see are blunt instruments pounding flesh, explosions of blood and flashes of some sort of zombie-freak dripping black ooze. Ick.
They're easy enough to avoid. I can get up and make a last-minute bathroom trip. I can look at the floor and comment how solidly my shoes are sticking. I can stick my head into popcorn or just dive behind the seats. Usually there's just one and then on comes a preview for Shrek 4 and all is right with the world.
But, lately, these trailers have been all over TV. Maybe it's because I've been watching way too much SportsCenter (on repeat, for background noise), but it seems like I have to suffer through another ad for The Unborn every commercial break. I can't explain it, but that trailer bugs me like no other. Maybe is the creepy, dead-eyed (and skinned) kid. Probably it's the guy crawling backwards up the stairs with an upside-down head. Or it could be because the whole premise has to do with a freaky happenstance with the heroine's eyes (I hate anything to do with eyes). I just can't watch it. Every time it's on, I frantically reach for the remote and switch over to the TeleTubbies or the View—anything that's less frightening.
Ugh. I don't get it. Why do they make those awful movies? And why do people go to them? Maybe I'm a wuss (okay, I'm definitely a wuss), but I really don't understand the appeal. Perhaps it has something to do with the risk of wetting yourself in public? Can someone help me out here?
In case you don't know what I'm talking about, here's the trailer. I'm going to go hide underneath my covers now.
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2 comments:
I think there is just something fun about being scared. It's an adrenaline thing. Like skydiving, but you don't have to even move. I don't like "horror" movies either, but my problem with them is the opposite. To me, that crap just isn't scary. When I go see the bloodbath horror movies, I am the person in the theater who has to leave because I can't stop laughing and I'm annoying everyone else.
Ok -- I will admit, I have done it too -- but the way you wrote the following? I just don't know Mike...
"Even worse, I can barely stand to have my manicurist do my nails after seeing something like that"
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