Dirty socks and three bags full...

As you know from previous posts, my living situation is a unique one. I live in a one-bedroom apartment that, for zoning purposes, is not actually a one-bedroom apartment, but a two-room office space completely with shower, kitchen and cable hookups.

I'm probably not supposed to live here, but live here I do (with the full knowledge and approval of my landlord, who has been nothing but gracious from Day 1). I live a pretty simple, quiet life - most of my day is spent indoors working or going on business meetings, so my neighbors never really hear or see me. Occasionally, I'll see someone the hallway, we'll do the cursory nod bit and pass without a word exchanged. The only thing that might get anyone curious is that my car is in the parking lot, 7 days a week. But after three months, no one's asked me what I'm doing here. The jig is not yet up!

While the place is a steal rent-wise, it does come with the drawback that I need to keep up the ruse that this is a place of business and not also a home. You can read the previous post (here's the link, again) to see some of the things I do on a daily basis. But what I didn't mention and has become a pressing issue is simply laundry.

I need to do laundry.

I'm out of socks. My last hand-towel is so over-used that it's constantly damp. I'm low on underwear and have been forced to (*gasp*) wear pairs that aren't color coordinated to my outfit. I'm wearing shirts that I hate because all the ones I like are stuffed into two giant, overflowing bags. And I probably should change my sheets, too.

The thing is, I don't have laundry in my building, so the simple solution of "just doing it," doesn't work. I would just load it into my car and drive around the block to my local coin-op, but if I did that during the day, someone would put two and two together and realize that, "Hey, that guy has leopard print boxers hanging out of that bag... he must LIVE HERE!"

So, in the past, I've done laundry by sneaking it out to my car before I go to bed - usually around midnight. However, the problem with that has been that I either forget to do it before I fall into bed or I'm just too lazy to make the walk out to my car. It's hard to get motivated when you can't keep your eyes open from staring at the computer too long. And, have I mentioned I'm lazy?

Good news, though... I did find out there is one remaining washboard factory here in the U.S. They make, by hand, the old-fashioned, metal-and-wood, elbow-grease models. I've got a bucket, if I get a board, I won't have to go to the laundry center. Maybe I could even string up a clothesline and dry my clothes secretly at night?

That wouldn't be creepy and get me arrested, right?

Take this and shovel it...

Punny, very punny, Mike.

Now that Old Man Winter has settled in, by which I mean he's like some stranger who bursts through the door of your apartment, takes off his pants, microwaves a burrito, takes over your couch and ottoman and immediately starts watching E! at full volume - obnoxious, uninvited and a little scary - I thought I'd share some observations I've come up with about snow shoveling.

I've been shoveling for years, ever since I could walk, actually. My parents, all in the name of "building character," sent me out there, bright orange snow shovel in hand and frozen snot running out my nose every time we got more than an inch of powder. In college, I was the only one who owned a snow shovel in our entire apartment complex, which meant that I was A) occasionally popular and B) constantly ridiculed. But, I was also C) the only one who could make a pizza run during a snowstorm. Now, I keep a shovel in my car and also make sure my adorable 78-year-old landlady's porch is cleared off. Here's what I've learned...


Shoveling is Fun

Kind of. At first.

There's something to be said for the simple joys of manual labor and working up a sweat in a brisk, winter breeze with the flakes falling all around you. It's a great workout and gives attention to muscle groups that you hardly ever use. While the "Shovel Workouts IV" video has been shelved for lack of sales, I still don't mind getting out there.

BUT that only applies to November, December and parts of January. Ask me if shoveling is fun when I'm doing it in April and I may just smack you upside the head with my ergonomically designed Backsaver shovel.


Cityfolk Know Nothing

Seriously, people, how hard is it to dig out your car?

It takes maybe all of ten minutes to pile all the snow within 2 feet of your fenders on the sidewalk, leaving a nice, clean parking space for the next person to come looking for one. But the result is that I am not woken up at 6 a.m. by some idiot spinning their tires for ten minutes trying to get out of their un-shoveled space. And then, when and if they finally do get out, they drive away, leaving iced over ruts and a foot of snow for some poor sap to try to park in. The next parker will then repeat the same process, further complicating everything for everyone.

Also, by not shoveling out parking spaces, city dwellers leave piles of snow lining the streets. Meaning that if you drive a mid-size car (like mine) , it's impossible to fit into a spot of someone who drives an economy car and didn't shovel away the piles. This leads to almost endless circling of city blocks, trying to find two piles of ice that you can fit between.


Staind sucks

Okay, so this has nothing to do with snow, but remember Staind's first hit, "Mudshovel?" Yeah. I heard that the other day and praised the Lord that I no longer listen to terrible, sludgy cock rock.


Shovel (eating with)

Is it just me or is eating with chopsticks so much more fun than eating with Western European utensils? Instead of using a fork or spoon to just shovel food down your gob, you get to daintily pick them up and place bite-sized portions into your mouth.

Chopsticks are like extensions of the finger... they're so much more fluid to use than the mechanical metal utensils. I just really enjoy them.


Okay, observations on shovels done... wow. I think I'm boring myself...