Gone Rambling...

Who determined that four hours is the danger threshold for an erection? And if you had one last that long, are you really going to make your first call be to your doctor?

While we're talking about erectile dysfunction, I'm currently teaching my two-year-old niece the "Viva Viagra!" jingle. I know this is just setting me up for Brian to give me some big time payback once my own seeds are sown (as they say), but I don't care. It's worth it. "Viva! Viva! Viagraaaaaaaa!"

The four movies I've cried at: "Braveheart," "Big Fish," "Passion of the Christ" and "The Incredible Journey."

One move I did not laugh at (or finish): "Melinda and Melinda"

Will Ferrel's only re-watchable movie is Anchorman. And even though I know every line, I still watch.

Milk was a good choice. The last bottle I bought was an old-school, glass one. I had to pay an extra dollar deposit to help encourage me to return it. But I think I'm going to keep it and drink G&Ts out of it in the summertime. How awesome would that be?

Went to Walmart tonight to get a few things for the apartment... They sell a camouflaged crock pot. So the next time you think the meat you're eating has a gamey flavor, now you know why.

I can never remember how you're supposed to spell the color gray/grey in American.

Anyone else notice that packets of Eclipse Gum are no longer perforated? The 12-pack tinfoil tray used to tear in the middle, giving you two, pocket-sized packets of gum. Now, if I buy Eclipse, I have to use scissors to snip the package into two six-packs. Unacceptable.

How do indy rock bands stay so skinny? If they're on the road touring all the time, they must go house on fast-food constantly. I thought the heroin era was over.

While we're on the subject of grown men pouring themselves into girls' jeans, Kings of Leon is now in my top 10 favorite bands. Maybe top five. I'll let you know after I go see them tomorrow.

I got those tickets for free. I won tickets to two different concerts this week via radio call-in. I've never won anything before.

I never realized how much I missed having a real kitchen until I got one back again. I am now using pots and pans that haven't been touched in six months.

This summer, I spent two months in China. And I will still eat at Panda Express.

Scotch makes me fart in my sleep. I'm serious. I went to a wedding last month, drank scotch at the reception (Johnny Black) and woke up the next morning with a green haze enveloping the entire room. The room which, by the way, I was sharing with the groom's cousin. Sorry, Jesse. I hope your singed nose hairs have recovered.

I'm planning a wedding of my own. Did you know that it costs $300 an hour for someone to stand in a tux with their thumb on the wheel of an iPod? Me and the Missus are getting screwed - and it's not the good kind.

To anyone with a Nextel. Just stop. For the love of all that's good, learn how to text. And turn your phone to vibrate.

Did you know it's cheaper to own a trailer than it is to rent an apartment? By 30%? Then again, you'd actually have to live in the trailer. I have heard possum is delicious.

I have two closets in my bedroom. They are both full AND I just donated four trash bags of clothes to Planet Aid and Goodwill. Not manly.

Santa came to my local mall on November 6th this year. The turkeys weren't even dead yet.

I love Ikea. It's the only place in the world where you have to assemble your own cardboard box. I bought two.

Mike's culinary adventures...

I like to cook and I like to eat. I'm not a gourmand, by any stretch of the imagination, but I enjoy good food, nice preparation and am always willing to try new cuisines or dishes. I wouldn't call myself a chef, but I do know how to throw together a nice dinner party or prepare a table for two.

It seems lately, however, that my culinary endeavors have been limited. Some of it, no doubt, is just because I haven't taken the time of late to cook. Food prices, too, have made buying fresh produce and meats a more costly experience and with every bill I pay, I have to say goodbye to that thick, juicy steak and hello to some chicken nuggets.

But the biggest factor is probably my kitchen itself. Or should I say "kitchen," because it's only masquerading as a place to prepare food. My bachelor pad has a sink and a full set of cabinets, but that's it - there's no oven and no stove. So, for the last four months, I've been cooking with an electric burner, plug-in wok and a small toaster oven.

At first, it was a huge pain. I had to plan all my meals, when shopping, on their annoyance level to prepare. Things had to fit inside the oven (about 12"x6"x4"), for one - that eliminated any roasting or broiling, pretty much. Also, they had to be pretty quick-cooking... the electric burners are about as powerful as my car's cigarette lighter.

After a few weeks of trial and error, I've come up with a miniature cookbook for bachelors stuck in a similar situation (or anyone who lives in a dorm room). It's kind of amazing, but 7 years after I moved out of the dorms, I've come back to the EasyMac days.

-Pasta ain't easy-
If you're like me, you think breaking spaghetti to fit into a pot is akin to spitting on your mom. The point of spaghetti is to have long strands of pasta to twirl with a fork and spoon or be able to slurp up 12 inch strands of fresh, wheaty goodness. In keeping with that life philosophy, I have a stainless, two-gallon pot to make spaghetti in (it's also great for washing your feet, but that's another story...).

But with the awesome power of my 10-watt hotplate, it takes a full hour to bring a gallon of water to a boil. This means that, if I want to have spaghetti for dinner, I need to start cooking it at lunchtime, in the hopes that I'll actually be in the mood for pasta when the times comes.

Spaghetti is out. In, though, are some nice, handmade egg noodles that I can drop clusters of into a smaller pot of boiling water. I also am a big fan of Annie's pasta, too. That still takes longer to cook than normal, but at least I get more instant gratification.

--Pizza better not be frozen--
Some nights, I'm lazy. All I want to do is heat up a pizza and enjoy it with a beer and sit and watch the Sox or the C's. It's pretty simple.

But, being the thrifty bachelor that I am, I don't want to order an entire pizza - it's way too much food for just me and it's about twice as expensive as a nice, frozen pie. I'd much rather turn to DiGiorno or Red Baron.

Here's the rub - neither one of those fits into my teeny toaster oven. They come frozen, so you can't cut them in half without defrosting. This defeats any sort of non-planned pizza popping, which is the whole purpose of it, as far as I'm concerned.

I tried buying smaller frozen pies (the store-brand kind... it was the only ones I could find). However, they were A) too small and B) tasted like poo.

Luckily, I stumbled onto a solution. You can buy Boboli (or Boboli-like alternatives) pre-made doughs, cut them into half-moon shapes, slop on some sauce, add a medley of cheeses and whatever fresh ingredients I want. Bingo - now I have slices that are better than any frozen 'za out there.

--Grilled Cheese--
I used to grill sandwiches in my cast-iron skillet, back when I had a real gas stove. Those days are over and my skillet sits mostly unused in my cupboard, since it takes almost as long to heat as water does to boil. I could still make grilled cheese with a standard, Target-issued pan that's as thin as a couple sheets of tinfoil, but even that takes longer than I want... Grilled cheese just shouldn't take more time to make than it does to visit a fast-food drive-thru.

So, I happened on this alternative - make the sandwich and pop it into the toaster oven. In less than two minutes, you have ooey-gooey cheese and toasted sides, with no flipping. I was impressed when I tried it the first time and haven't gone back since... I suppose it's common-sense to know that you can put something into the oven and it'll get heated and toasted, but, uh... that thought never did dawn on me.

Okay, I'm done rambling... totally bored with this post. But I figured I should get something up here, since it's been a while...

Peace out. I'm hungry.