Things I don't understand...

Today's topic: THE SUN DRESS

I don't get it. I really just don't.

Sure, I understand its purpose - ladies, you were 'em to keep cool, yet stay stylish during the summertime when all around you is dirty, sweaty, back of my neck gettin' dark and gritty. They can be colorful or plain, you can wear them with flats or in heels and it's always easy to maintain the dressy-yet-just-tossed-this-old-thing on look. Very chic.

Those sundresses I understand (much like the one pictured here... maybe cut slightly long, but fashionable).

What I don't get, my girl friends, are the ones that y'all wear that look like you shrunk them in the dryer because you can't figure out how to set the thing to "delicates."

Maybe I'm biased, since I work on Newbury Street - the Newyorkiest (JAPiest?) street in all of Boston, where silicon and Armani run amock - but I just don't get this summer's most-committed fashion faux pas: the slutty sundress.

A sundress can be classic. It can be elegant. It can be fun and frisky. But (and college co-eds, I'm looking in your direction), you can also look like a stripper.

Most of these dresses are see-through (good rule of thumb - the more you paid for it, the easier it is to see your butt cheeks). This morning, I was standing in line at Dunkin' Donuts, waiting for my morning iced coffee, and I had to pull the ol' army eyes-front routine. Because, had I looked down, the sunlight streaming in through the windows would have illuminated the both cheeks, butt dimples and thong of the nice, young lady standing in front of me.

[Aside to my beautiful girlfriend - I was successful. Mostly.]

All I wanted was coffee... instead, I felt like I should've tipped both the barista and the patron. Dunkin's never made me feel so dirty - and that's saying a lot.

Lesson of the story... when shopping, test and see whether what you're trying on is more likely to be used as A) clothing or B) a sieve.

The other faux pas consistently committed is abundant cleavage. Let's just say that, ladies, the bra was invented 100 years ago. Just wear it; it's not going out of style anytime soon. My two comments to any objections are as follows:

1) [To those less-endowed] "Your headlights are on."

2) [To the endowed] "Boinga, boinga, boinga."

So, live on sundress, live on (even though it's past Labor Day). All I ask is that the wearers of the dress just bear in mind that, unless they insist on causing traffic accidents, being hit on by every single homeless guy and subjected to internet upskirt postings (paging Britney Spears) they just try to keep in mind that they're wearing a dress, not a shower curtain.

Keep it clean, ladies.

Just remember, it's probably dry-clean only.